At certain times I just feel kind of lost. I can't even explain it properly but it's as though I don't really know where to go next. Or if I actually want to do so. Or if I wouldn't rather stay put in some faked up bubble in the present - or even better, go back in time to those happy moments hold as the best ever (and that, for the most part, probably weren't even that great).I like to know where I'm going. I like having plans, having my "same-old, same-old" routine and enjoying the pleasures of those small certain pleasures in the simple life.
Lame, I know.
I'm that kind of person, though. I enjoy being home on the weekend with a good book, whether out in the sun or cosy by the fireplace; I like the lame family moments (when they don't go bad, which also happens rather often); I very, very much adore having my mind set for the future, whatever it holds. Only now it seems like I can't really see it.
It's all a bit of a blur. Looking back a year ago, pretty much everything has gone the exact opposite direction I initially intended it to. That's a pretty scary thought for someone who likes to feel like she has the control of her life (yep, keep kidding yourself, kiddo!). Instead of being frightened by it, I want to make the best out of what was thrown my way; but if feels like I don't know how to. It feels like I've got my hands tied. It feels like I lost all will to go for it and make my dreams and wishes come to life.
And that really, really, really scares me. Because I know that if I lose the drive to do that, I've lost everything.
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