Of Past and Drunkenness

I just got home from a birthday dinner with some friends from college. And I feel sad because it's been a really sad dinner. Sad actually meaning sad, not ridiculous - sad as in unhappy.

I felt completely out of place. I was deeply looking forward to this dinner, mostly because I hadn't seen some of those friends in a good while - partly because of work and all, partly because after college it seems like most people drifted away slightly. I was expecting a lot of catching up, laughter, fun and big news after this time spent apart.

And I got nothing of that - or very little of it. Everyone got drunk immediately (oh, the surprise!) and even I got quite light-headed. Even so, that'd be cool - I had had a few dinners like that back in college that had just been a blast! However, that was all there was to it - stupid drunkenness and nothing more. No fun came from it, just plain stupidity. And I felt awkward at it. I even doubted myself, thinking I just became an old lady over time - come on, you feel like everyone's acting ridiculous because they're drunk? You're old! Right?

Wrong. It wasn't that everyone was drunk. The thing troubling me was that everyone was simply empty. Not just acting silly and childish - pure, plain empty. They're lost *asses* going through this world. No purpose, no dreams, no drive to anything at all. No attempts to get anywhere. Just striving loosely here and there.

And that's ever so sad - sad as in ridiculous. I got my fair share of that. Back in college I got my drunken nights, I got to the very low point of throwing up in my own bedroom, over myself. I made the whole acting silly and childish thing. I acted ridiculous, I sang out loud in the streets, I tried to keep straight and say the words I wanted to say - and failed miserably. I had my doubts and my lost days through a while, I questioned myself, I felt like I didn't know who I was at all - and I took that out by drinking. I did it all. Been there, done that. And it's a good thing I did so: I had fun while doing it, I learnt a hell of a lot I wouldn't have otherwise. I messed up all I could just to get up the next morning full of energy to (literally) clean up the mess. Only now, that seems little. Very little.

I considered these people some of my best friends. I was hoping for more than just killing a few neurones tonight. I was looking forward to be with my friends - and I wasn't. I was with a lot of booze and strangers and that was it. I might have been there and done that too, but now I know I came out of it. It was as though I was in a completely different universe than they were. I was way ahead.

A good night out for me became more. It became good conversation, good food (and not just a hell of a lot of booze), a good show or a good movie, some nice shopping; it became laughter - the real laughter and not the drunken kind. It became heading back home and feeling happy, feeling somehow lighter, feeling like as though that time really was exquisite. And a good night became broader - it may just as well be a night in with a good book or a funny TV show.

That makes me old? So be it. At least I get to say I know who I am and that I am happy that way - how many people get to say that?

... even though it's breaking.

At certain times I just feel kind of lost. I can't even explain it properly but it's as though I don't really know where to go next. Or if I actually want to do so. Or if I wouldn't rather stay put in some faked up bubble in the present - or even better, go back in time to those happy moments hold as the best ever (and that, for the most part, probably weren't even that great).

I like to know where I'm going. I like having plans, having my "same-old, same-old" routine and enjoying the pleasures of those small certain pleasures in the simple life.

Lame, I know.

I'm that kind of person, though. I enjoy being home on the weekend with a good book, whether out in the sun or cosy by the fireplace; I like the lame family moments (when they don't go bad, which also happens rather often); I very, very much adore having my mind set for the future, whatever it holds. Only now it seems like I can't really see it.

It's all a bit of a blur. Looking back a year ago, pretty much everything has gone the exact opposite direction I initially intended it to. That's a pretty scary thought for someone who likes to feel like she has the control of her life (yep, keep kidding yourself, kiddo!). Instead of being frightened by it, I want to make the best out of what was thrown my way; but if feels like I don't know how to. It feels like I've got my hands tied. It feels like I lost all will to go for it and make my dreams and wishes come to life.

And that really, really, really scares me. Because I know that if I lose the drive to do that, I've lost everything.

My new baby: HP Pavillion dv3-2250ep

Behold! My new love is the this amazing, beautiful, great and blue laptop: I'm desperately in love. It is the best way I've ever spent money, I have to say.


This means the end of fighting over computers with my sisters and it also means more writing time. So I'm a pretty happy gal right now :)

Fan Fiction Tracking: From This Moment On - Chapter 10

Long time no see, I know; life got slightly hectic (besides being by birthday, you see) and I couldn’t manage to write barely at all – not even for the blog. Anyway, here it is (and finally a post about it): Chapter 9 for From This Moment On.

The title – "Unspoken Words" – was given due to the original idea of the chapter: both Hermione and Ron feeling unable to put into words what they have been thinking (or simply not being given the chance to do so). Even though that idea is still there (and it will continue on), it ended up not being the main focus – the Weasleys and Angelina were. That storyline will continue on to the following chapters, so "Unspoken Words" really is the ‘brigde’ to a lot of other plot lines I’ve set up.

The one thing I can say about this chapter that hasn’t been said in previous Fan Fiction posts is this: I have truly loved to discover Charlie Weasley and try to figure him out so I could write him properly. It was a really interesting experience, I have to confess. YAY for writing outside the main characters! :)

Once again, I am so deeply sorry for the delay of this update; however, as I’ve said in one of my review replies, I really didn’t want to rush it and upload something I wasn’t absolutely happy with. I could have updated somewhere in the middle of last week, for I had about 75% of the chapter written down; nevertheless, besides lacking editing it didn’t feel like a wrapped up chapter and therefore I opted not to upload and take the time to improve it as much as I could.

From now on I don’t foresee delays in updating but I can only promise to do my best to keep up! :p

Thanks for reading and visiting,

- L.

Of Time and Hope

A year ago yesterday, I was on Seventh Heaven: my birthday the day before had been amazing. I had my friends with me - everyone in that college I could have wished to be on that lunch table with me; I was on the high that a new semester would always give me, with a thousand plans and a whole lot of antecipation; and I was in love with the guy sitting next to me, who I had been driven to believe could possibly be my best friend yet.

A year after, I know I was wrong that day. Half of the people who made that day so special are out of my life - most likely for good; college is gone and, miss it as I may, I'm in a utter different stage of my life now; and that boy who I believed to be so special - «the one», even - is part of those people who have left my life - and in this case, undoubtedly for good.

Sometimes, when looking back, I come to think "How could I have been so wrong? How could I be so mistaken about someone?"; then I realise it isn't so much that I was wrong as it isn't so much that I was mistaken about him: it's simply that I did not really know him, in spite of what I believed back then. I might have thought I knew him as the palm of my hand; I was wrong.

Even though I know all of this and despite the fact I had realised it a long time ago, it doesn't hurt any less that you couldn't even manage the courage and the decency to do something as simple as send me a happy birthday text. What hurts most is that our friendship was what I valued most and what I always tried to preserve - the same friendship on which you just spat.

It's sad, but it's the past; what I've also realised is that I kept going forward and that's where I want to go. "Time moves mountains, they say" and hope is within me, growing strong and strong no matter what life throws its way. So here I am: welcome, 22nd birthday; it's gonna be a hell of year!

New Month's Resolutions: February 2010

This year I decided to start something new to myself. So everyone goes on and on about New Year's Resolutions - whether they keep it or not is an entire different thing. Personally, I believe it might have been easier - and more successful - to establish short term instead of year-long goals. And I also believe that setting those resolutions gives you a boost of self-confidence and energy to go for it - so why not do it every month instead of once a year?

Therefore, that's what I decided to do: every month I'll remember what I'd like to accomplish in that month (or remember what I didn't accomplish in the previous one!) and set my mind to get there. Silly or not so silly, they'll be my goals for the month.

1. Don't forget to set my New Month's Resolutions for March; I didn't do it for January :)


2. Go back to practice Yoga. Keep in mind the reasons why I do it - and why I enjoy doing it. Punch me in the head to get time to do it because I know I want to do it;


3. Write - write more than fan fictions. Get around to write my own stuff and commit to it. Practice through the exercises of my creative writing manual (do at least one chapter a week);


4. Keep my promise to update From This Moment On weekly;


5. Don't get sick again. Beware of colds (this one will have to kick in only next week... I am sick now);


6. Watch Sabrina and try to squeeze in February another of Audrey Hepburn's movies;


7. Have fun on my birthday, whatever way I can, and grant myself that one day to forget about whichever problem might be troubling me;


8. Keep my spirits high, knowing that is the key to feel good most of the time;


9. Spruce up my Spanish, for I might need it to apply for that amazing internship in that amazing multinational;


10. Help my sister find a new job, a job that will actually make her feel happy and that has everything to do with her.

And I guess that's about it, at least for now... I already have a lot of commitments up there. Keeping up with them is a whole different story...

Two Ladies and a Cup of Coffee

Here's one thing I don't think I'll ever understand: the betrayed woman.

I went to grab a bite and for the rest of my lunch hour I did what I usually do: went to a café to write for a while. It was more crowded than usual so I ended up table to table with two other women - pointless to say my writing didn't go that well, for those two ladies were putting on quite an act.

I don't eavesdrop on other people's conversations. I really don't. I could and I would admit it if I did, especially because that might give you such great plot ideas, but I honestly don't. Not usually, anyway. Only today it was impossible not to hear at the rate they were going.

So Lady n. 1 was apparently crying her eyes out (Lady n. 1 is also known as the Lady-with-the-sun-glasses-even-though-we-were-inside-a-pretty-dark-room), while her friend - you got it, Lady n. 2 - was trying to reason with her. Lady n. 1 was saying out and clear to whoever was near that "he" wouldn't do that to all the other women, that she could reassure her friend (Lady n. 2) that "all of his other women" had never been through that.

Really? I mean, seriously? The guy cheats on you with an harem and you're cool with it? And you're still with him? And you're crying over him?

Whether she was the Mrs or just one of many lovers, it goes down to the same thing: why would someone do that to themselves? I can't wrap my mind around.

Self-respect, people. Where did it go?

And the most amazing moment of this lunch was Lady n. 1 snapping at her friend - who had been patiently indulging her moaning and her grouchy mood - when Lady n. 2 insisted for her to finish her food. "Great, my friend cares about me and is worried, so let's yell at her like I was still 3!"

I honestly don't get it. But then again, it might just be me.